


Endless Motivation

by Idiosyncrat



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: F/M, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Sibling Incest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-11
Updated: 2014-12-24
Packaged: 2018-03-01 01:19:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,852
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2754197
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Idiosyncrat/pseuds/Idiosyncrat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fleshes out Azula and Zuko's relationship. Azula had never hated him and she hadn't always pretended to.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. All Along the Western Front

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I realized after I started writing this that Zuko is thirteen when his father banishes him, but due to that and the fact that I can't tell children's ages to save my life, I took some artistic liberties with how old they are when certain events occur. I've never posted to AO3 and I'm not much of a writer, so I'm really excited to figure all this out. While I proofread this many times, no one else did so all grammatical mistakes are mine, please don't hesitate to point them out. Hope you enjoy!

One night when they were about four or five Azula came to his room. She'd been crying, still had tears in her eyes, and had come to him instead of their mother. He pushed back the covers as she crawled in with him.

“What's wrong Zula?” he asked, pulling her into his arms.

“I had a nightmare.” She cried into his shoulder.

He hugged her close and told her she could stay with him. She didn't have any more bad dreams that night.

[~]

Years went by and the nightmares persisted. At least once a week he would wake up to Azula snuggling close to him, trying to forget her scary dreams. The tears became less frequent and by the time she was six they'd stopped all together. She would just quietly climb up next to him and go back to sleep. Their days were spent playing and laughing and training and their nights were spent with him holding her close and whispering into her hair that everything would be alright.

[~]

Azula picked up firebending much more quickly than Zuko did. She would patiently tell him to try a different stance, breathe a different way and she was always so proud of him when he got a particularly difficult move right. They took care of each other, her helping him become stronger in his firebending and him being there for her when she couldn't sleep.

But suddenly one day that all changed. He noticed a few weeks just after her seventh birthday, she seemed so sad. She didn't want to play or practice with him, and no matter what he said he couldn't get her to laugh or even smile. This went on for days until finally she lashed out at him. They were practicing outside and she burned him. Not much but enough to sting and make his eyes prickle with tears. She told their mother it was an accident but he knew better. He could see in her eyes that she meant to do it. She seemed so angry and hateful towards him, he was sure he'd done something wrong.

Then that night she crawled into bed with him and curled up close and just like that he thought all was forgiven.

When he woke up she wasn't there and he soon realized that everything wasn't alright again. Azula acted just as angry as she had seemed the whole week and nothing he did could make her happy.

Soon after he went to his mother to ask her what was wrong with Azula. She didn't help him with his firebending and avoided him altogether when she could. But his mother didn't seem to notice how angry Azula acted towards him.

“I'm sure it's nothing Zuko. Your sister is just in a mood, you two will be as inseparable as always soon enough,” she said, but there was something off about her tone and she had a funny look in her eye.

This went on for months and Zuko was almost convinced his sister would hate him for the rest of their lives. At this point Azula had made new friends and all but replaced him. The only time Azula played with him now was when those two were around and his mother requested it.

The only thing that gave him hope was that she still snuck into his room every week. It truly had become sneaking; she would come in at night and never stay until morning. She said very little, mostly just cuddling up to him and going to sleep. She didn't stay as long each time but now it was usually twice a week. He couldn't understand why she was so angry with him during the day and then at night she was back to being his sweet little sister.

Azula progressively got meaner with her jokes and her jabs. Zuko resigned himself to this reluctant rivalry with his sister. He avoided her when he could and became cruel to her in return.

On the night of his ninth birthday after the celebrations, she came to his room early crying. He hadn't seen her cry since they were much younger, and never since she started acting so mean towards him. She pressed her face into his tiny chest and no matter what he said she wouldn't speak. He held her tight until she cried herself to sleep and eventually followed her.

He woke in the middle of the night to find her staring at him.

“Zula?” he whispered.

“Why do you let me in here night after night when I'm so mean to you?” she asked. She looked so intent, like this was a question she'd been wanting to ask for a long time and just never had.

Zuko looked at her for a moment before he answered. It never occurred to him to turn her down or tell her to leave. He loved her, he'd do anything for her.

“Because this is the only time you're back to being my sister. All day you act so mean, but when you're here it feels like we can go back to being how we used to be. Because you need me when you have nightmares and I'll always be here for you, Sister.”

He tried to reach out to her but she pulled away. He saw tears in her eyes, and anger. She jumped out of bed and didn't turn back to look at him as she walked out of his room.

Two weeks passed and he thought she'd never come to his room at night again. Zuko hated to think of her, sleeping alone and afraid after one of her dreams. He had lost the last part of her that was still his best friend and he felt so hopeless. He knew he'd said the wrong thing and he didn't know how to make this better, anymore than he knew why she'd started being so mean to him in the first place.

She stayed out of his bed for three weeks but finally one night she came and curled up next to him again. He went to put his arm around her but she just turned around, her back to his chest. He deliberated on whether or not to try again and decided letting her know he was there for her was worth the risk of her leaving again. He curled his arm around her stomach and pressed a kiss to her hair like he used to. She stiffened, but settled back against him and into a dreamless sleep they'd both missed.

[~]

The next year their mother went missing. Azula acted like she was unaffected by it, but she started sleeping in his room four nights a week. She stayed until morning again too. He sometimes thought she did it more for his benefit but he never said so.

Azula's birthday rolled around and a huge celebration was held. She was turning thirteen. She seemed grateful and polite around all the adults but he could tell she tired of the party. Once it had winded to a close he retired to his room. The lighting was low and he was getting prepared for bed.

“I wanted to thank you for the scroll you gave me. It's important to know your enemy after all,” Azula's voice startled him. She was leaning against his door already dressed in the robe she slept in. She wore her hair in a ponytail when she slept and it always surprised him how long it was when it wasn't up.

Zuko had given her an old waterbending scroll their Uncle Iroh had come across on one of his military trips. He'd said it was important to draw wisdom from many places. He'd also told him that the people of the water tribes are adaptable and able to hold together through anything. Maybe he'd given it to her as a token of hope; his hope that even though their relationship was changing, they would endure and survive. Even though Azula didn't know any of this he thought it would make a good gift anyway. “You're welcome, Zula. I hoped you'd like it,” he said as he sat on the bed. He thought better than to tell her why he really gave it to her. She wouldn't appreciate the sentiment.

Her eyes grew a bit soft as she closed the door and came to sit on her side of the bed facing him. He'd always thought of it as her side.

“I know it might be selfish of me, but I actually came to request another birthday present.” She didn't meet his eyes as she said this, looking up at him after she'd finished speaking. Zuko looked at her as if to ask what it was she wanted.

Instead Azula leaned forward, placing her hand on the other side of him and pressing her lips against his. Her lips were warm and closed and before the shock kicked in he thought to himself it was the most gentle gesture she'd made in years.

It only lasted a few seconds before he carefully pushed her away.

“Azula? What are you doing?”

She looked a bit hurt when she said, “Just claiming my last present, that's all.” With that she turned over and laid with her back to his chest. Zuko, confused and unsure, put out the light and slowly put his arm around her. Just as he thought he might be able to go to sleep she turned over in his arms and whispered to him, “It would be selfish of me to ask for one more.” It sounded like a statement but he knew it wasn't.

He looked at her in the light coming through the window. She looked beautiful and vulnerable for once. Zuko leaned in and pressed a kiss to her lips, longer this time than the first, but just as soft.

“Happy Birthday, Princess,” he whispered back as she cuddled closer to him.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave kudos if you liked this because I'd be thrilled to know anyone even read it, thanks!
> 
> Also if anyone knows how to make a little flame symbol with a keyboard (like I see people make rabbit faces) I'd really love to know so I can use that instead of [~] for breaks


	2. Voltage Running Through Her Skin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is mostly just their physical relationship developing so there's a lot of sexual content, you've been warned. Hope you enjoy!

The night Azula kissed him was the first night he dreamt of her. He woke in a sweat to find she had already left. His heart and certain other parts of him were pounding and he could hear the blood rush in his ears. He felt as though he could still taste her on his lips. He lay there, just breathing until he no longer felt like he would set his sheets on fire and got up to wash his face. He chalked it up to kissing her last night and tried to put it out of his mind.

But the dreams persisted and every time she said something cruel to him, or was especially brutal in their training, all he could see was her hair shining in the light from his window and the way her body felt curled up against his.

She didn't initiate another kiss in the weeks that followed but she started sleeping pressed chest to chest against him. If anything that made it worse. Azula seemed oblivious to how much anguish it put him in. He hated himself for feeling this way towards her. Zuko was so confused and conflicted. He didn't understand why Azula had kissed him and he couldn't fathom how he could feel this way towards her.

He had felt this way before, but his arousal had never had a focus. Now it was all he could do to not picture her in her underclothes when they trained. Every night Azula climbed into bed with him was another night he suffered and ached against her. And every day when she glared and hurt him at practice he cursed how he felt towards her.

She was sleeping almost every night in his room and it seemed to him like she managed to press closer every time. And it wasn't just lust he felt for her; that one kiss had opened his eyes to so many things about her that he had always seen but never appreciated. He found it strangely endearing how she poured her tea so delicately but she wouldn't hesitate to shove him to the ground in a burst of flames, or the way she carded her fingers through her hair when they were together in his room. He noticed the small smile she had when he pulled back the covers for her when she came to him at night.

He started sleeping on his back because he was afraid one night she would press too close and feel him against her. In retaliation she curled half on top of him so he could feel her breasts against his chest. His nights of calm and peace were over, replaced by horrible pent-up want for her.

[~]

It all finally came to a head one night when she came to bed and instead of crawling close to him she lay about half a foot away with her back to him. He didn't feel the need to roll onto his back, instead laying there on his side watching her sleep. He sat there wondering how he'd gone so long without seeing her in this light when she could lay there so soft and beautiful.

He woke in the middle of the night after dreaming of her yet again, body hot and yearning. He started to roll over away from her but she beat him to it, pushing her back against his chest.

“Zuko?” she whispered, “are you awake.”

“Yes,” he whispered back, voice gravely with arousal.

“Bad dreams?” she asked, squirming a bit to get comfortable.

“Um...sort of.” He felt like his heart was going to pump itself right out of his chest and his voice was deeper than he'd ever heard it.

“I know what that-” all of a sudden she had pressed back against him leaving no room between there bodies and no room for interpretation of exactly what she felt pressed against her rear.

“Oh,” she said calmly. “One of those dreams.”

“Azula!” Zuko thought the heat in his face would set his cheeks afire as he pulled away from her and almost fell off the bed.

She turned, grabbing his wrist so he wouldn't tumble down to the floor. “Calm down, it's nothing to be embarrassed about.”

“I'm not talking about this with you Azula,” he said gruffly, not meeting her eye.

They were sitting up now and she leaned in towards him. He tried to look away from her but she reached up to cup his face. “I have dreams like that all the time,” she said, softer than he'd ever heard her.

He felt like all of the blood left in his body had evacuated to his face and groin, his body heating up at her words.

“Wh-what are you talking about?” she held his face but he turned his eyes away from her.

“Would you rather I just show you?” she asked. She took her hand from his face and held it in hers for a moment. “Do you know what happens to girls when they feel the way you do right now?”

Uncle Iroh had briefly explained the basics of what happened to men and women his age and the changes he would go through. But that conversation had been tense and less informative than his uncle had probably hoped.

“S-sort of,” Zuko said in a shaky voice, he wanted her so bad it hurt but he was so embarrassed and uncomfortable. He didn't want Azula to know about this side of him, the side that could feel this way about his own sister and then wouldn't even look at her while she confronted him about it.

Azula was sitting with her side against the headboard now, facing Zuko. She moved his hand underneath her robe, pushing aside her underclothes until he brushed the crease between her legs. They both gasped as he moved his hand so his knuckles brushed against her, feeling how wet she was.

Her hand had moved from his to grab his side, her other hand grasping his free one, and he now brushed against her of his own volition. Zuko faced her, taking in how she panted and flushed when he moved a certain way. He didn't really know what he was doing but when he moved his index finger to enter her she clenched, around his finger and his arm and pushed her neck into his face.

Zuko pulled his arm out of her grasp to cup her face as his finger curled inside her. He had never seen her like this, needy for anything in her life and he never wanted it to end. She was making little hitched noises and rocking against his hand. He started to rub his thumb across that first place that had made her breath faster while moving his finger inside and soon she was whimpering his name and he felt her insides clench around him as her body curled around his.

He watched her as her breathing slowed and she looked up at him. She leaned in, hesitating a moment, until he leaned down the last little bit and pressed his lips to hers. Their third kiss didn't last long before Azula reached down to cup him through his nightclothes. He jerked away, face flushed again.

“Are you sure...?” he whispered against her mouth.

She pecked a quick kiss on his mouth again before whispering, “Of course.”

It didn't last nearly as long as it had for her before he was gasping into her mouth and it was over. He leaned into her and she ran her clean hand through his hair for the first time since they were children. They kissed for a few more minutes, trying to figure out how their mouths worked against each other, before he got up to get a wet cloth. He warmed the water, then used it to clean her first, kissing her as he wiped between her legs. He used the other side to clean himself before disposing of the cloth.

Azula kissed him again before cuddling up close and he held her through the night while they slept.

[~]

The next morning when they woke Zuko felt sick and disgusted with himself. He had let his little sister touch him in that way and even though she had instigated it, he was older and therefore the one to know better. He couldn't help but entertain the idea of his father exiling him if he didn’t outright kill him for touching Azula like that.

But all the feelings of fear and doubt evaporated as Azula woke and looked at him like he'd lit up the sun for her. She pushed up a bit to kiss him and he thought his heart would burst with all he felt for her. She eventually pulled away from him and got up to leave as she normally did.

All morning he felt elated knowing she was okay with what they did last night and he thought that maybe, at the very least Azula might accept his feelings for her, even if she couldn't reciprocate them.

[~] 

That feeling of elation lasted all day and when she came to his room it only got better. She came in and kissed him, hard, as soon as she was in bed. They lay there against each other for a long time, finally breaching each others mouths with their tongues. It was a little uncoordinated but Azula picked it up as fast as she did anything else and became his teacher in this too.

He couldn't have asked for more than her accepting what had happened between them and then suddenly she was grinding her pelvis against his in little circles, the tip of him pressing through their clothes to nudge that bundle of nerves of her that made her reach up behind him and rake her nails against his back. That only made him arch against her more sharply and they both finished not long after. He never knew how much he could enjoy simply stroking her hair when they were done or feeling her curl against him in a more intimate way when they slept.

It was less than a month before he caved and told her how he felt about her. He said it quietly against her hair one morning when he finally couldn't hold it in anymore. She turned towards him with the biggest smile he'd ever seen, her hair falling out of her ponytail and her clothes in slight disarray. She crawled on top of him, kissing him more fiercely than she ever had before, telling him she loved him as well. He didn't think he had ever been so happy in his life.

[~] 

Their nightly activities continued but didn't escalate much. Even though Azula was fully on board with whatever he was willing to do, he thought she was still young and had no business going any further than they already had. They were both too young to feel like this about another person but since he couldn't stop loving her any more than he could break her heart by refusing to be with her, this was the one concession he made.

Azula never complained much; they were both satisfied with what they'd learned already of one anothers bodies. Zuko never got tired of the way she came apart when he touched her and honestly he felt like he enjoyed using his mouth on her as much as when she used hers on him. It was the only time she was ever underneath him with her legs spread. Even when they rocked against one another they were always on their sides, even when he would press up against her from behind and curl his arm around her to reach between her legs.

She never let up on how she treated him when they weren't alone, was never kinder or less likely to hurt him than before they confessed their feelings and he felt maybe he shouldn't ask why that was. But she never hesitated to tell and show him how much she loved him when they were alone.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I played this song https://soundcloud.com/diegoraposo/gespeu-electric-feel-himi a lot when I was planning this chapter if anyone wants to listen to it!


	3. She Got the Power in Her Hands

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We finally find out what Azula's deal is! And there's more sex, so prepare yourselves

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone cares to know, Zuko and Azula are eighteen months apart in this fic. So when she was thirteen he was 14 1/2.
> 
> *Chapter edited 22/12/14

Zuko tries not to think too much of the future. He knows that one day he will become fire lord. He will be responsible for the Fire Nation; he will have to take a wife and his relationship with Azula will have to end. Sometimes he sees a spark in her eyes when his succession is mentioned that makes him wonder if she will be able to let him go.

He dreams sometimes of what it would be like if he were to run away with her. Some place where no one would know they were brother and sister, where they didn't have the responsibilities of a nation weighing on them. They could find a small Earth Kingdom village that had never heard their names. He was almost seventeen now, surely he could find a way to provide for her.

No, even if she was alright with leaving the capital she would never give up her bending. Maybe they could settle down in the colonies. Of course that would be one of the first places his father searched for them. Zuko couldn't imagine what would happen if their father were to find out. His only two children run away together to continue their illicit affair with one another. And he could never leave Uncle. For all his more annoying traits, Zuko knew Iroh thought of him as a son. And he'd certainly treated him as one more so than his own father.

He knew he and Azula couldn't leave but he wondered how he would be able to live without her. It was hard to believe it was over two years since they'd first admitted their feelings and become physical with one another. Azula was fifteen now, and he might be biased but he would swear she's the most beautiful girl in the fire nation. He can't help but get a little dopey eyed when he sees her at formal events and gatherings. She has so many suitors now and while at the moment she scoffs and turns them away, sooner or later she'll have to start thinking about marriage. But for now it's always him who gets to take off her dress and make her come undone beneath him.

He wondered what she would say about these daydreams of his. She teases him when they're alone, not in the cruel way she does during the day, but in a way that makes him laugh and kiss her softly and maybe even fall in love with her a bit more. He can't help but hope she would think it was as romantic as it was unrealistic.

[~] 

Azula had started leaving her hair down completely when they went about their nightly activities. She knew how much he loved it and had let it get almost to her waist. She had told him once that she loved how he pressed his face into it or carded his fingers through it when he was close. That night when she came to him it was already down and she was especially enthusiastic. When he started to mouth at her through her underclothes though she pulled him up by his shirt and started to take it off.

“I want more tonight,” she told him, “I want you inside me.”

Zuko flushed. In all this time they'd never done _that_. He's seen her naked of course and vice versa but they'd never been so much as fully unclothed at the same time.

“Azula, I thought we-”

“I'm old enough now Zuko. I've found a solution to falling with child and I've waited so long. Please.”

Zuko had seen her beg before and this wasn't it, but he wanted her in the only way he hadn't yet and he wasn't hard to convince. Together they removed the rest of his clothing until finally their bodies lay with nothing between them. They moved against one another, kissing for a few moments before he moved his fingers between them. It didn't take long before he had three fingers sheathed inside her and she was panting beneath him.

“Now Zuko, please,” she whimpered.

He removed his fingers from her and used his hand to guide himself into her. He waited until she told him to move and then he finally rocked into her for the first time. She was clenching around him and breathing quickly as he pushed into her again and again. He was slow until she asked him to speed up and quiet until she wrapped her legs around his back and forced him deep inside her. That unleashed her moans as well as his own and she took that moment to roll him over so she was on top.

Azula sat all the way down on him and rocked her hips in little circular motions, never lifting up. He pulled her down and kissed her hard, thrusting up a bit to put more pressure against the bundle of nerves he'd learned made her arch against him. She did and then clenched around him tighter than she ever had and he followed her with a few more thrusts.

She collapsed against his chest and kissed him sleepily until she saw fit to slide off of him. He got up to get the cloth to clean them like he always did and when they curled together he closed his eyes and wondered how he would ever live without her.

[~] 

He asked her the next morning how she was so sure their coupling wouldn't end in something neither of them wanted to explain. She told him there was a plant she had heard her servants talking about that she could put in her tea that would insure her womb remained childless, regardless of what she got up to at night. He decided this was something beyond what men were meant to understand about the female body and didn't ask again.

[~]

He tells her one night of his daydreams of taking her away some place where they could be together openly. They're lying on their backs, his arm around her after their coupling. She responds as he'd hoped, by kissing him sweetly but telling him it can never be. She admits to having thought about it before which makes his heart clench in his chest with love for her. But they both know their lives and responsibilities remain here.

However, it does bring up an interesting line of conversation. They talk of what their lives would be like if they hadn't been born to the same parents. She asks him if he would have wanted children with her, something he'd never thought of, but now he can't get the image out of his head. The image of Azula pregnant with his child, of little versions of them running around, being mothered by Azula and fathered by him. He doesn't tell her, but now that she's mentioned it, it's something he wants immensely.

“What if we ran away together and found mom?” he asks instead.

“I don't want to find her,” Azula whispers.

“Why not? Don't you wonder what happened to her?”

Azula is quiet for a moment. They never discussed what happened, how their mother could be there one day, gone the next, and suddenly their father was fire lord. He thought maybe her way of coping was to pretend it never happened.

“I don't care what happened to her. She hated me, I'm glad she's gone.”

“Zula you don't mean that! That's ridiculous, mother never hated you,” Zuko scoffed. Even he had to admit mother had treated them differently but there was no way she could have hated her own child. Moreover there was no reason to.

“You're wrong,” Azula whispered. “She did hate me, and I never told you why.”

“What are you talking about?” Zuko leaned up on one elbow to look at her. She turned on her side to curl into him.

“I asked her why she married father instead of Iroh,” she whispered.

“Why would she hate you for that?” he asked her.

“I've only ever had one nightmare that I can remember.” Azula looked so pale Zuko thought she might be sick.

Zuko put his arm on her shoulder and leaned in to look at her. “When we were little you came to my room all the time after nightmares-”

“I came to your room because I wanted to be next to you,” her voice cracked on the word wanted. “I always wanted to be next to you. Until one day I asked mother why she married father when Uncle Iroh was the nicer of her brothers. I thought when I got older I would marry you one day until she explained that father and Iroh weren't her brothers and siblings marrying one another isn't right.” She stopped and paused for a moment, trembling slightly against him. “She told me it was wrong and that no sister should love her brother like that. She never looked at me the same afterwards, always eying me like there was something wrong with me when she thought I wouldn't notice. She never left me alone with you again either. And so when she left I felt relieved. I could come to you as often as I wanted without fear of her finding me sneaking into your room. I know you're afraid of what father would do if he found out about us, but if she knew what I'd done to you...you always were her favourite, even before she knew how I felt. She would think I'd corrupted you, coerced you,” Azula had tears in her eyes now. “It makes me so glad that she's gone.

“I thought that if I was mean to you, if I acted the way I'd seen other brothers and sisters act around each other, that she would forget that I'd ever mentioned feeling that way about you. But she never stopped looking at me like I was some tiny monster she couldn't believe she'd created.” Azula was trying to speak through her tears at this point. “I remember your little mantra, _Azula always lies._ Well you're right. It was my hope that if we appeared to be so resentful towards each other then no one would suspect how I felt about you. I never told you because I was ashamed. Ashamed of my feelings before I knew how you loved me, and ashamed that I hated her so much after. Especially when I knew how much you missed her.”

Zuko didn't know what to say, just held her close through her quiet sobs.

“Do you remember the night I came to you crying? And I asked you why you always let me in after I was so cruel to you?”

“I remember,” he whispered into her hair.

“That was the night I snuck into the records room. I couldn't believe that what I felt for you was wrong. But I found-I found,” she was shaking in his arms, her face pressed into his neck, wetting his bare shoulder with her tears. She took a deep breath, “I found a scroll in the archives with the record of a brother and sister who had been caught together and what their punishment was. They were treated like criminals, like it was so wrong to feel that for a sibling. And when you answered saying I was your sister and you'd never turn me away I realized how awful it was that I loved you the way I did. I tried to stay away after that, to leave you alone but that didn't last. And when I kissed you I thought-thought maybe if I could just try it once that I would have a revelation, that I would decide it was disgusting but instead I wanted another right away.” She trailed off into sobs after that.

Zuko held her close and carded his fingers through her hair. “I love you,” he whispered, pressing kisses to her forehead. “I've loved you ever since I can remember and I'll always love you. If there's something wrong with you then I'm just as guilty. But I don't think that's true. I've always known you were strong and brave, but to feel like this and never tell anyone...I _wish_ you'd told me. I wish I had known you felt this way all this time, that I could have been there for you.”

She looked up at him, tears no longer flowing but still there in her eyes. “I can't tell you how happy I am to finally know why you became so hateful towards me all those years ago,” he smirked at her. Her lips quirked in a sort of half smile and she leaned up to press a kiss to his cheek.

He kissed her on the mouth and tried to tell her how much he loved her although he thought words alone could never do the feeling in his heart justice.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Credit where credit's due, the stuff Azula puts in her tea is called Black Dragon root and came from a really great Katara/Zuko fic I read and highly recommend called Sparrowkeet by audreyii_fic
> 
> Also, this will probably only have one more chapter


	4. Put Your Circuits in the Sea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All good things must end

Azula was everything Zuko could ever want. He would revoke his title, leave his home, do anything if it meant he could be with her freely. She was seventeen now, and he was almost nineteen and they had had over four years together before it all came crashing to an end.

Of all the things that could tear them apart, Zuko never thought it would be this. His own father banishing him simply for speaking out of turn, and disfiguring his face in the same blow. Being sent to complete an impossible task, a task that no one had accomplished after one hundred years.

He was scared. Scared to leave his home and his country and the only life he'd ever known. He was angry at his father. He was in so much pain, he might never see again in his left eye, and he was supposed leave at first light on a ship, most likely never to return.

He might never see Azula again. Never hold her close or hear her laugh. He wouldn't get to see her grow into an adult, never see her children if she had any. He had spent the best part of his life loving her in every way you could love another person and his only regret was that he had inadvertently cut that time short. They could have had another year or two before marriages were pushed onto them, time he couldn't get back now. It was one thing to imagine leaving home in order to be with her; it was another to be forced from home in exile with the prospect of never seeing her again.

One day their father would die and Azula would become the fire lord. She would surely end his banishment but their father was young and healthy and by the time that happened Azula could have a husband and a family of her own. Either way, if he returned they couldn't continue to be with each other in the way they had.

These were the things Zuko thought about as their medical staff attended to his burns. He was to be kept in the infirmary, with no visitors, until his departure in the morning. His father had nothing to say to him, and he'd been informed his Uncle would be escorting him on this undertaking, but that he would be preparing until they left. He wouldn't get to say goodbye to Azula. He would never again get to tell her how much he loved her.

[~]

It was dark in the infirmary, all the staff had left when Zuko heard voices outside,

“...now. He's my brother and unless you want the wrath of the fire lord upon you, you will let me speak to him!”

“But princess, we have orders to-”

“I don't care about your orders, when the heir to the throne of the fire nation gives you an order, you obey,” Zuko had never heard such venom in Azula's voice.

He heard sounds of assent and sat up as the door started to open. He didn't want Azula to see him like this, didn't want her to remember him like this. As she walked in he saw her silhouette and heard her say quietly, “Open this door for no one and no reason,” and she closed the door behind her.

Zuko didn't know what to say as she came to sit on the bed facing him. He didn't think he'd get a goodbye from her, didn't think he'd be allowed one; he didn't know what to tell her. But apparently goodbyes weren't on Azula's mind.

“Zuko,” she whispered, taking his hand. She went to light one of the candles on the bedside table but he grabbed her hand.

“Don't! Don't...I don't want you to see me like this. I don't want you to remember me this way..let's just say our goodbyes in the dark.”

She jerked her hand away and lit the candle. “This whole thing is crazy, I'm not here to say goodbye, I'm here to see how you are.” Zuko had turned his face away from the light but she brought her hand up to the smooth half of his face and gently turned him towards her. The left side of his face had been bandaged, but he still wouldn't look at her.

“Zuko,” he glanced up at her, surprised to find tears in her eyes. Her voice had sounded like steel during her interaction with the guards, but now he saw how truly upset she was. She moved to unwrap his bandages but he put up a hand to stop her.

“Please..please don't Azula,” he said, and turned his gaze away again.

“They need changing, there's blood seeping through,” she said in a tone that held no room for argument. She was incredibly gentle as she pulled away each layer and she didn't even gasp, although he might have heard a sniffle. He met her gaze when she was done and felt his heart sink at the tears running down her face.

“Father's managed to give me a face even our mother couldn't love,” he said in a hoarse whisper.

“That may be,” Azula whispered back and he wanted to curl up and die. But she continued, “But there's nothing he could do to make _me_ love you any less.”

He was about to tell her she didn't need to pretend that was true until she leaned over and kissed his undamaged cheek, and then softer than he thought was possible moved to kiss his left cheek, below his burned flesh in a spot she knew wouldn't cause him pain.

Before he knew it Zuko had tears in his eyes and they were wrapped around each other, crying and holding one another. But eventually Azula pulled back and kissed his mouth and he despaired once again at this being his last few moments with her. She didn't take the kiss very far, being mindful of his burns, and soon she grabbed more bandages and began to clean his wound.

She spoke as she worked, “This whole thing is insane, I'm going to father right after this to ask him to reconsider, I just had to see you first. And if he won't...if he won't I'm going to come with you if I have to sneak onto that ship. He'll have lost two heirs in one day and we'll see how long your banishment lasts then.”

While his heart leapt at her words he knew his father wouldn't stand for it, any more than he wouldn't take back his sentence.

“Azula,” he said quietly, “Azula he won't listen. He's scarred half my face, had a ship prepared, is sending Uncle with me. He would sooner kill me than keep his dishonored son, a stain to his name, here in the fire nation. And if you were to leave as well...he would have to wonder what your motivation was, wouldn't he?” Azula looked as if she would protest but he hurried on, “Think of how you treat me in front of others, we're so hateful towards one another, we've never seemed to so much as get along, you've actually physically injured me before!” If he was being honest, the hatefulness was mostly one sided but understanding dawned on her face. “He would have to wonder why you would leave everything behind to make sure I didn't have to. For you to up and leave with me after all these years of our fighting...it would seem suspicious at best, especially since you're next in the line of succession.”

The irony wasn't lost on him that what was once a way to keep their mother from knowing about her feelings, was now the very thing that would keep her from him. By the look on her face, Azula had noticed too. More tears ran down her face as she spoke, “I can't say goodbye to you! I don't know how to live without you and I don't want to.”

Zuko couldn't have this conversation. His own pain at being ripped from her was already more than he could bear, to hear how heartbroken she sounded was enough to kill him.

“We knew this day would come,” he whispered, “we knew there would come a day when we couldn't be together anymore. Maybe it will even be easier this way; we won't have to see each other with someone else, won't have to pretend to hate each other in the corridors anymore.” He knew it wouldn't be easier for him, but he hoped this would ease her mind even a little. “We won't be tempted to sneak away from our own beds because the other is just a few rooms away.” Azula was crying silently as he spoke and he cradled her face in his hands.“I won't have to watch you fall in love with someone else and start thinking about all that we've done as some disgusting phase you're glad you grew out of.”

Azula had never seemed more like a child than she did now, her face streaked with tears and her need to be reassured things would be okay. “You won't have to watch any of that because it won't happen. I'll always love you more than anyone, and I could never regret what we've done.” Zuko hoped more than anything that this was true, but he was almost glad to know he wouldn't be here to witness it if Azula was wrong.

“I suppose it doesn't matter one way or the other. I won't be around to see it either way. I'll love you whether I return or never see you again. But tomorrow I'll rise with the sun and my ship will rise with the tide. You'll never have to see this burn turn into a scar. And I won't have to watch you become someone else's wife.”

He had so many things he wanted to tell her, so much he thought he'd have time to say before their relationship would have to end. He wanted to wish her luck as future fire lord, wanted to give her advice for the years to come. But now didn't seem the time to say such things. She was strong and she would be fine on her own. Now it's their last night together and even that was time she'd stolen.

They spent that last night in each others arms, Azula leaving just before the guards came to escort Zuko to his ship. He'd told her everything he had time for and hoped the rest she already knew or would figure out one day when she was older. She didn't tell him goodbye, just that she loved him. And when the sun rose they both felt their hearts break a little more as he sailed away.

[~]

A month later Azula cut her hair. Zuko was no longer around to card his fingers through it or appreciate the way it framed her figure when she was on top of him. It was easier to manage this way and wasn't there to remind her of him. She's surprised to learn after a few months that she can bend lightening now, and remembers her uncle once called it the cold-blooded fire. She supposes that's accurate because she feels as if her heart has been frozen from the day Zuko left.

Zuko thinks of Azula every day but tries to redirect his energy into finding the Avatar. He knows it's a futile task, meant to get him away from the fire nation and away from his father. He's wondered if maybe this was his punishment for loving Azula all those years, but he reasons with himself, if his father had known he wouldn't have gotten off with just a scar and exile to be carried out on a fancy ship. After six months at sea he's given up on finding the Avatar. Until he sees a little boy in monks robes tagging along with a water tribe girl and suddenly every hope of seeing Azula again floods back.

[~]

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's it! I hope you guys enjoyed it! I had a lot more fun writing it than I thought I would. I've never written anything that wasn't for school but I couldn't get this idea out of my head so I decided I'd finally give writing fanfiction a shot instead of just reading it. Thanks to everyone who left kudos or comments!!!


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